Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I looked at my own cervix.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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