Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
