As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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