Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I woke up under a house in Key West
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
