so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
