Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
