I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
