So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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