I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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