he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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