Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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