you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
