I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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