I hate your face
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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