She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
