I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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