he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
