Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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