tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
