Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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