I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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