Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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