Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
