After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
