Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
