I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
