This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
