Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
