have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
