I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
