Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
