He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
