i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
