I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
