Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
as a side note pls kill me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
