wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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