phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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