Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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