Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
