Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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