id be glad to
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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