Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
