Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
