we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
