Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
