I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
