Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
