so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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