I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
