from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
