I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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